The Apple Problem, Redefining Roles in Relationships

A 5-Part Journey to Relationship Realness

Welcome to Part 3 of “You Don’t Fall Out of Love, You Fall Out of Alignment.”

If you’ve been following the series, you’ve already felt the shift:

• Part 1: We realized falling out of love often starts with falling out of alignment with ourselves.

• Part 2: We figured out that most “conflicts” aren’t conflicts at all. They’re just distorted reflections in a funhouse mirror.

Now, Part 3, this one’s about fairness. Or, more accurately, the myth of it. Because love isn’t some 50/50 math problem. And relationships? They’re not about splitting apples down the middle. They’re about figuring out what kind of orchard you’re even growing.

The Apple Problem: When Fairness Gets in the Way of Fulfillment

Picture this: Imagine you and your partner both have apple trees.

Me? I’m stellar at growing apples nurturing them, multiplying them, drying the seeds, replanting. Before you know it, I’ve got an entire orchard. Dustin? He’s not really an apple person. He gets a few, forgets about them, lets some rot, maybe loses a couple along the way.

And for the longest time, here’s where my mind would trip: “But we need to split the apples fairly! I’ll take half, you take half that’s what’s fair, right?”

Except… why? Why was I clinging to this imaginary rule that fairness means splitting things down the middle, even when it makes no sense? Why did I feel guilty for thriving with my apples while Dustin’s totally fine with one or two?

It wasn’t about apples. It was about efficiency. And, yeah fear.

The Real Issue: Energy Waste Disguised as “Fairness”

This wasn’t about apples. It was about the ways we waste energy trying to be “fair” instead of being aligned.

• Fear of judgment: If I handle more, will it look like I’m controlling?

• Fear of imbalance: Am I doing too much? Is he doing enough?

• Fear of losing connection: What if our differences mean we’re incompatible?

But here’s the truth: Fairness isn’t about equal slices. It’s about honoring what each person naturally brings to the table without guilt, without comparison, and without shrinking to make someone else comfortable.

Alignment isn’t about keeping things “even.” It’s about keeping things true.

The Car Parts Situation (Where the “Apple Problem” Got Real)

I realized this deeply during a seemingly simple moment the car parts situation.

If I had followed my strengths my natural ability to manage, negotiate, and optimize I would’ve handled the deal, connected with the supplier directly, and secured cheaper parts. Dustin? He attracted the opportunity through his connections, because that’s his strength. Me? I could’ve turned that opportunity into something profitable, efficient, and aligned.

But I didn’t. I backed off. Why? Out of fear that I was overstepping. That I’d seem too dominant. That I needed to “let him handle it” because that’s what a “balanced relationship” should look like.

And that’s where I betrayed myself .Not because Dustin asked me to. But because I thought shrinking would keep the peace.

Spoiler: shrinking never keeps the peace. It just creates quiet wars inside yourself.

Dustin Doesn’t Even Like Apples (And That’s Okay)

Dustin’s not out here trying to be the financial wizard. He’s not obsessed with maximizing profits or optimizing every deal. That’s me. And that’s okay.

But here’s the thing Dustin isn’t just coasting through life. He’s incredibly productive, with a rock-solid work ethic that gets him up every morning, showing up, putting in the hours, and creating stability. His consistency isn’t just a routine. It’s a force.

His crops?

• Resilience

• Creativity

• Emotional grounding

• Unconditional love

• Magnetic warmth that feels like home

• A relentless commitment to hard work and steady growth

Dustin doesn’t have to try to be loving it’s woven into the fabric of who he is. But beyond that softness is a spine of steel someone who shows up even when it’s hard, someone who doesn’t flinch at the grind.

His hugs? They’re not just hugs. They’re grounding portals. His touch carries a kind of healing that can’t be taught .His acceptance isn’t conditional on my moods, mistakes, or successes. It just is.

I was so busy counting apples, I forgot he was over there growing an entirely different harvest one part emotional depth, one part unwavering consistency. And the real realization? He’s fine with that. I was the one who wasn’t.

Redefining Fairness: It Was Never About Splitting Apples

Fairness isn’t about dividing the same thing equally. It’s about both people feeling supported, valued, and free to thrive in their own way.

Think about it:

• One person might be great at making money; the other might create emotional safety.

• One might manage logistics like a pro; the other brings creativity and spontaneity.

Are those things “equal”? No. Are they equally valuable? Absolutely.

Alignment isn’t symmetry. It’s efficiency. And efficiency comes from honoring who you actually are—not who you’re trying to be for someone else.

Mini Exercise: Redefining Efficiency in Your Relationship

1. Identify Your Apples: What’s something you naturally excel at in your relationship?

   • Finances?

   • Emotional support?

   • Planning?

   • Creativity?

   • Problem-solving?

   • Holding space through warmth and presence?

2. Spot the Energy Leak: Where are you wasting energy trying to “keep things fair”? Are you doing things that drain you just to avoid seeming like you’re doing “too much”?

3. Flip the Script: Instead of asking: “Is this fair?” Ask:

   • “Is this efficient?”

   • “Is this aligned with our strengths?”

   • “Are we both thriving, even if it looks uneven?”

If this stirred something inside you, maybe it’s time to explore what alignment looks like beyond the page. That’s what Flow Glow Mojo Dojo is for tools, reflections, and spaces that help you meet yourself where you’re at.

Closing Thoughts: Stop Splitting Apples. Start Growing Orchards.

You weren’t meant to grow the same orchard. Your apples don’t have to match.

Your value isn’t in how evenly things are split it’s in how authentically you both show up.

Because in the end, love isn’t about keeping score. It’s about creating a life where both people feel abundant, even if their apples look different.

And maybe, just maybe, realizing that the orchard was never about the apples at all. It was about how you grow together. Messy. Wild. Uneven. And somehow, still perfect.

Coming Up Next: Part 4 – The Blame Game: How Shaming and Judging Break Connection (And How to Turn It Around)

Think the real issue in your relationship is your partner’s behavior? It’s not.

In Part 4, we’ll dive into the emotional devastation that happens when blame and judgment take over and how to flip that script. We’ll explore:

• The sneaky ways blame disguises itself as “righteousness”

• Why it feels good (but isn’t)

• How to reclaim your power through radical accountability

Because this isn’t about pointing fingers. It’s about realigning with your own truth without losing connection along the way.